I can already tell this one is going to feel different than the other posts.
It’s late. I’ve been writing for a few hours already, getting lost in one too many Chat GPT rabbit holes, and am now feeling scrubbed raw once again by the thoughts of people who don’t deserve a space in my mind.
Quite a bit has happened over the past few months. It almost feels pointless to talk about. But I suppose I’ll be posting this for the very same reason. The once nameless battle I’ve had with my physical and mental health has finally been given a name. Finally validated, made real. And yes, it was always real, but in the mind of an abuse survivor who has been conditioned to question the very fibre of their reality at all times… these health struggles were just several more reasons for me to be hard on myself.
For years, I berated myself for feeling sluggish, unable to focus, remember anything, or at times, even form a coherent thought. It was laziness, I would tell myself. I would hate my body for shutting down two hours after waking, for my knees swelling, for feeling like I’d been struck with the flu – achy, zapped of all vitality and willpower. I chalked it up to a lack of discipline when I felt so wiped by exhaustion that I couldn’t even eat. I suspected something was biologically amiss, but I still blamed myself for how my body was reacting — a classic win-win situation.
So now I know I’m sick. Yay. And while it isn’t anything fatal or terminal, it is chronic. A large portion of my life will revolve around managing these symptoms, which is infuriating because I really just want the majority of my life to revolve around this project. I clearly have my priorities in line.
I mentioned people who don’t deserve a space in my mind. I lied; it’s only one person. And they really don’t deserve a space in my mind, but betrayal has a funny way of infecting emotional wounds. Igniting spite. Respawning intrusive thoughts. Coaxing forlorn tears back down my cheeks. They don’t deserve the dignification of my writing any more about it other than this: this person mattered to me, and I never thought they would care so little of me to disrespect me as flagrantly as they did. Never. I guess I’m still in my Casting Pearls Before Swine era.
Can’t wait for it to be over.
Anyway. Despite the senseless physical and emotional turmoil I’ve been through these past several months… I made a trailer. I finished an ad. I’m halfway through the script for Issue 6, and I will continue to do everything solo and incognito until the time is right.
That is all.